to start…

I guess I would have to say at this moment in time I’m somewhat disoriented. There was a time not too long ago where I really felt together and looking towards the future. However, at this moment in time, i’ve changed. Due to the lack of taking my medicine and overdoing the adderral, I let my problems spill out into tears and indecision. Which, totally made me realize that the issues that I haven’t dealt with are still there in their own time and place. It’s difficult to know that I haven’t gotten over Chris. It’s difficult to know that all of my problems are caused by my own choices. I’m not sure what the Lord is trying to teach me at this point in time. My worry is that my fascination with growing into a beautiful butterfly is halted. That everything I thought about myself could change in merely an instant. So I hold onto the Lord. Believing that he is all that I need. This belief, I hold onto and repeat to myself everyday in hopes that I continue to be in his care. I love the Lord and know I wouldn’t be here without him. Truthfully, I am scared of what’s to come. Am I going to have another breakdown?, am I capable of wanting to look forward to the future?, will there be anything left to offer or look forward too? Honestly, the things that I spent my life trying to forget was almost forgotten. When Superchick says, “this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing” makes me realize that the best thing to do is to go on living and forget about the past. The things that i’ve lived through does boggle me down. If anything it’s help me come to more of acceptance that I do need the Lord. That I am a sinful person and I need to realize that the Lord deserves all of the praise. I don’t want to give up so ill keep doing the same things and try to work toward something.